Sign Seeker

Searching for Clues in a Confusing World


By Gina Jaber
Photography by Craig Merrill

Is it just me, or does everyone look for outside, unrelated indicators to help guide him when faced with a big decision? For me, paying attention to signs is big. It’s my belief that some things are meant to be and others just aren’t—and that signs can lead us to our destiny. Whether this belief is valid, I can’t know, but for some reason, I do receive great comfort from the thought.
    Lately, while deliberating on a difficult personal decision, I’ve been paying close attention to anything and everything I can interpret as a sign and have found my clues in the oddest places. The exact nature or magnitude of the dilemma isn’t really the point. What is important, though, is that we all face forks in the road and have our own ways of dealing with our predicaments. A full-fledged sign seeker, I had a rollercoaster incident that left me exhausted and wondering if my search method had any merit after all.
Recently, while out for a walk on a breezy day, I stopped into a local convenience store to buy a drink. While there, I impulsively purchased a lottery ticket, gave it little thought, and started heading home. As usual after a good, long stroll, I was feeling clearheaded; that is, until I reached for the keys to my front door and realized that the lottery ticket was no longer in my pouch. My clear head became increasingly cloudy as I tried to figure out how it could have fallen from its safe place. I sighed deeply, frustrated with my carelessness and considering the loss of a possibly winning ticket to be a very bad sign.
    In an attempt to reverse my fortune, I decided to retrace my steps and look for the ticket, though I suspected that between all the passersby and the wind, it would be unlikely for me to find the undersized piece of paper. More important, I concluded that the small loss (though potentially large!) meant something: “Aha,” I thought, “Here is my answer; losing the ticket means no, a definite negative, to my big dilemma.” Resigned to this outcome and just about to turn around and go home, I saw the ticket, practically glued to the sidewalk. Besides the usual relief ones feels at finding something lost, I felt confused. Did finding the ticket now actually mean yes to my big question? Back and forth went the pendulum, my indecisiveness swaying with the signs.
    That evening when I shared my story with my family, the only sign they saw was of a woman losing her marbles. “How could I read so much into a casual occurrence?” they asked. Their bafflement offered some much-needed comic relief to my overly focused state of mind. I thought I was being intuitive, discerning. They saw me as a bit too superstitious.
    That little experience eventually led me to rethink my attitude and laugh at myself. It showed me that, ironically, my search for signs could be interfering with the natural process of what was meant, in time, to unfold before me. What others may have already figured out is beginning to make sense to me: Looking at things too closely can compromise, if not block, the very clarity we seek. Like dough, excessively kneading a decision can render it too tough.
     As I grow older, it is my goal to learn to be comfortable with uncertainty, to peacefully sit with doubt and to lighten up. Maybe just writing this column will help me down that road. I think it already has. When I learned that I didn’t win the lottery, I crumbled the ticket and saw it as a sign of nothing—nothing at all.
E-mail Gina Jaber at ginajaba@yahoo.com.